When she wants him back
by Loz06
Summary: NeilAndrea…All NeilAndrea. Sequel to 'When they work together'. An impulsive action from Neil forces an agreement between the two, but Andrea’s finding it hard to live up to her side of the promise and finally she admits some things she’s done her best to
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: When she wants him back

**Author**: Loz

**E-Mail**: T

**Category**: Neil/Andrea…All Neil/Andrea

**Series**: Story number nine, what follows are titles and story ID numbers. (1) After he's at her door – 2486705. (2) When the mighty all – 2506192. (3) While his wife's away – 2525486. (4) While they're away – 2543010. (5) When love's not working – 2543013. (6) Boundaries when broken up - 2562611. (7) What happens on the train – 2579012. (8) When they work together - 2595808.

**Spoilers**: So minor it shouldn't ruffle any feathers.

**Archive** (if applicable): www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net.

**Feedback**: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.

**Summary**: An impulsive action from Neil forces an agreement between the two, but Andrea's finding it hard to live up to her side of the promise and finally she admits some things she's done her best to bury.

**Author's Notes**: Sigh, nothing to say at this time, except what's below. Ooh I forgot, this is as promised, soonest I could.

**Disclaimers**: Never did, never have, never will.

* * *

He's still wearing the same suit from today – Andrea suspects he hasn't been home. He looks vulnerable and she's reminded of the chasm of difference between Neil of work and the Neil that stands at her door. She doesn't know why he's here and not for a moment does she entertain the thought he may be ready to give her what she wants.

"Can I come in?" Andrea hasn't moved and he asks as though it's a forgone conclusion.

"It's late Neil, really late." She allows a slither of annoyance to slide into her voice. He looks slightly hurt at the rejection, head down. He recovers taking a deep breath and speaking directly to her.

"I've been thinking about the wedding and the obbo and today…" Andrea's face hasn't changed and she knows the reason he's paused is her face. "Honesty worked before…" He sighs and Andrea's not sure what's going on but something tells her this isn't going to be small. "I want you back, marry me."

At first his words don't register and then Andrea is disbelieving, she shakes her head as if it contains a fog to be cleared. The oxygen exits her head with the shakes and the sight of Neil taking a ring box from his jacket breast pocket and easing onto one knee makes her head spin.

She can't remember ever being stunned by anything life has thrown at her until now. She stares at Neil and the bright ring in the box, dazed she takes it from him taking three steps inside and slides down the wall coming to rest softly on the carpet, her heads still spinning.

She touches the large diamond hesitantly admitting to herself she'd pick it herself, not noticing she has left Neil kneeling in the doorway.

Her front door closes and Neil slides down the wall opposite her, Andrea fixated on the ring.

"When did you get this?" Her voice is a rasp, still not acknowledging his presence.

"Tonight." he says simply and there's something comfortable for Andrea in the fact he hasn't had it for long.

"I can't accept this." She snaps the jewellers' box closed holding her hand out, the box resting on top. His face evinces a mixture of disappointment but not surprise as if he had prepared himself for the reply. "Its bigamy you're still married."

"So let's call it something else." But there's an element of convincement lacking in his voice.

"I can't take it Neil, we're apart." He looks down and swallows, Andrea knows it's a blow but can't fathom him not realising it's an unrealistic proposal. "We need to talk."

"What for you've made up your mind." There's a tiny amount of bitterness in his voice.

"You didn't honestly think I'd say yes and we'd skip off into the sunset and live happily ever after did you?" His face betrays the fact he didn't, Andrea crawls across to sit against the same wall he is. "We could go back but it wouldn't last if you're lost somewhere between Philippa and I." Neil says nothing allowing her to continue. "Nothing's changed, you're not ready to commit to me, you just miss me…and I miss you."

For the first time Neil stops turning the box in his hands and looks at her. "Missing each other is good, I want you to use that when you decide what you want." She may be imagining it but she swears she sees him nod slightly. "We've got to stop doing obbo's together, gazing at each other, kissing…"

"And sleeping together," Neil finishes. "I've got to be able to work with you and see you." Andrea considers the request looking for red flags.

"Only in CID not together," she accepts and they fall into a comfortable silence, one of their easier conversations. Neil stares at the wall opposite him, Andrea at the ring box, she searches her memory for evidence of a moment in which she considered accepting…there's nothing.

"I hope you can take the ring back." Neil's eyes join hers on the velvet-covered box.

"I guess I should have checked that out when I got it, I was…"

"Impulsive?" Andrea suggests laughing slightly, Neil smiles but says nothing. "It's really beautiful." She adds after a moment.

They sit in silence, despite the hour Andrea doesn't feel the need to push Neil out the door and both seem to be clinging onto something they've just agreed to simmer down.

"I should go." The ring box slips back into his jacket breast pocket but he makes no move to get up. Andrea leans across and kisses him on the cheek but she hovers as he looks at her, that same familiarity passing between them, the result of months of closeness – she wants to kiss him on the lips and knows he does too.

"This is why we can't do this." She severs the look and backs off from his lips.

"Don't get up I'll let myself out." When the door's shut and he's gone Andrea stays on the floor, thinking, reliving and wondering.

* * *

"This is important Gina; tackling anti-social behaviour is being pushed by the MET right now."

"I know it's just these conferences are always so…"

"Long, boring and the food's terrible."

"I was going to say the food is the high point of the day." Gina sighs.

"We need people to be there Gina, there are materials that can be bought back to train the rest of the station with."

Adam Okaro and Gina Gold walk on and Andrea starts to feel uncomfortable, as she's been following them for the duration of their conversation. They don't seem to have noticed Andrea, their conversation taking priority.

"You need to think about who you want to take with you." Adam says as they stop outside Gina's office.

"PC Dunbar." Andrea jumps slightly; she'd just excused herself past the two senior officers and thought she'd barely been noticed.

"O.k. Gina," Adam smiles wryly at the opportunistic way Gina picked Andrea.

"Ma'am?"

"Thursday next week at the London Marriott County Hall," Adam says to Gina. "I'll let them know you and PC Dunbar will be there."

"But ma'am."

"Not even if all your grannies are dying PC Dunbar, if I have to suffer through this so do you."

"That's it, no one from CID?" Gina questions.

"Jack's taking Ramani along." Adam replies before hurrying to catch up to Dale Smith.

"Cheer up, I'll buy you a drink afterwards and maybe we'll indulge in some anti-social behaviour of our own." Gina disappears inside her office. Andrea smiles wryly to herself marvelling at how fast the whole thing happened; still she's relieved to know Neil won't be there.

"What's up with you?" Leela asks bumping friendlily against Andrea with her shoulder from behind.

"I've just been volunteered." Andrea emphasises the word volunteered. "To go to the anti-social behaviour conference."

"Eeeww," Leela groans. "Good luck."

"Uh huh."

* * *

"Hey what are you up to?" Yvonne asks noticing Andrea's street clothes aren't coming off.

"I'm going to this anti-social behaviour conference." Andrea pulls a brush through the back of her hair.

"Oooh," Yvonne says as if someone has just described a painful bodily injury. "Who did you do wrong to?"

"Here's your chance to do your dear friend a favour and go instead of me." Andrea doesn't even get to finish her sentence before Yvonne begins to laugh.

"Not a chance, I seem to recall you refusing to kiss and make up with CID."

"Thanks." Andrea says semi seriously, there was no way they could trade anyway. "I'm late."

"I'd say have fun but…"

"I'd rather be buried in paperwork…literally."

"Come on PC Dunbar, I'd rather hide in the locker room today but as I can't I don't want to make a late entrance in front of hundreds of MET officers, even if they are strangers."

"Like I said have fun." Yvonne wishes when the Inspector's gone.

* * *

Andrea sees Ramani standing by the conference doors first, a board nearby announces the session times and speakers, Andrea doesn't have to look twice at the back of the head to know who it is, she's run her hands more than a few times through the hair on the nape of that neck.

Gina looks surprised to see Neil when he turns around and joins them, Andrea doesn't dare let her eyes stray across the path of his.

"Adam told me Jack was coming." Gina says careful not to offend.

"His son has a fever." Neil says without emotion, it's no secret he and Jack have a continual simmering conflict.

"Isn't his son well into his twenties," Gina appears confused.

"His baby son," Ramani corrects.

"I think I need to put my head up every now and then." Gina says and Andrea wants to tell her she didn't know either. Realising she can't ignore Neil all day she glances politely in his direction. His eyes don't hold hers and there's no familiarity in them, it's the same polite look, as if there were a mirror in front of her. It stings for a second as the conversation about Jack continues then she realises this is too closer proximity for even a glimmer of familiarity.

Andrea trails behind the higher ranked officers as they enter the conference room. Tables are grouped with names of the occupants on them, a large white screen towers above the microphone set up for the speakers.

The room is buzzing with social chatter, networking alive and thriving. There's a gathering at the tea and coffee table and it's where Andrea heads having skipped hers this morning.

"How are you?" Neil asks joining the queue beside her, she doesn't know why but it takes a second for her to reply.

"Better if I wasn't here." She opts to make no secret of the fact her attendance wasn't her choice.

"Didn't you volunteer?" Neil asks confused as he reaches for the milk.

Andrea just laughs, "I happened to be in the corridor when the Super asked the Inspector who she was taking with her, she grabbed the nearest person…me."

Neil laughs heartily. "Thankfully Ramani volunteered or Jack would have been the same. Number one rule, try not to snore too loudly, the rest of us don't want the whole auditorium to know we don't want to be here even though everyone is the same."

"I don't snore, you…" As soon as she says it she mentally kicks herself, it was a joke and she took is literally. The flash of familiarity from Neil disappears as quickly as it appeared, he's now uncomfortable and miles from the polite conversation they were just having.

"Excuse me." Neil walks away and Andrea curses in her head, she remembers their deal and he's sticking to it, she doesn't have it under control.

With a fresh coffee in her hand Andrea finds her name across from Gina's at their table, desperately she starts a conversation, anything to divert her brain from reliving the last conversation she had.

She doesn't notice Neil has been seated next to her until the speaker calls for them to take their seats.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

The longer the speaker talks the harder Andrea finds it to concentrate, across from her Gina rolls her eyes and places her hands around her neck. Andrea doesn't want to kill herself to rid the misery of the speaker, her misery stems from wanting to feel Neil's touch or some reaction that tells her it's o.k. she said the things she did, he understands it's hard. A brush of his knee, leg or hand, shoulder to shoulder – anything, a little toe. Nothing. She can feel him next to her but as she tunes out the speaker's words she wonders if it's a sixth sense she has for him or a trick her mind plays that has led her back to him at each opportunity they have. Do men feel this way as well?

Instead she watches his pen form words across the page, his writing small and messy compared to her loopy and flowing style, when she was in school she used to dot her letters with hearts. He starts a new line with the word receive, she looks twice because there's something not right – it's spelt incorrectly.

The concentration on his face brings back the stress lines to his face, brow creased.

"Receive is e.i.v.e." She says and surprises herself as the words roll with ease out of her mouth, her tone is light and friendly but it doesn't stop Gina and Ramani looking across at Neil for his reaction, he doesn't notice them giving Andrea an off look. He says thanks before rewriting the word.

She tunes back into the presentation, wanting the day to be over.

* * *

Gina disappears during the generously laid out lunch, Andrea won't be saying anything about the fact it's Jonathon Fox. There are few PC's in attendance; Ramani gets talking to another officer running a VPU unit and Andrea ends up pushing her food around the plate. She ignores Neil as he sits in Gina's chair opposite her; she has a strange version of foot in mouth disease today that she doesn't want to have another outing. 

"Today's hard for me." Andrea continues creating a melting pot of her meal; her eyes meet his asking for leniency. "We sat on the floor of your flat and agreed we couldn't keep behaving the way we were and I respected that and a week later I find myself in the situation we said we wouldn't put ourselves in."

Andrea's fork goes down quietly, biting her bottom lip she says 'sorry'. Neil seems to relax with her apology as if he thought an action of his was encouraging her. "But you think it's not hard for me as well?"

For Andrea the words formed a statement so she's surprised when he replies 'no'.

"Do you think it's possible to want something and when you get it you realise it's actually not what you wanted?" Andrea smiles sadly across the table then picks at her food with no intention of eating.

"Pulled in two different directions, when have I had that happen to me before?" Andrea nods and smiles properly this time. "You still know what you want for you and its right."

Despite the admission she's never heard him make before, her face tells him she's not convinced, and familiarity is creeping back in. He leaves his meal rounding the table to sit back in his seat. Andrea panics looking out into the sea of faces when his hand briefly closes over hers to stop the eventual mashing of her meal.

"Go and book us a room," he says softly. She feels his arm rest on the back of her chair and a knee bump into hers. She's not shocked or frozen, simply torn between wanting to and needing not to. His whole body is facing hers like she thought, the faintest whisper of their breaths mingle as Andrea holds his eyes with hers. "You've done it before; we'll make our excuses when this is over and we'll go upstairs and make love till dawn."

She brings her fingers to cover her mouth as if they'll stop what she wants to say coming out. Neil doesn't need words he can see the answer in her eyes.

"Alright I will." He pushes back his chair and steps away. Andrea stands out of her own calling his name; although his back is turned he hasn't moved away from the table.

When she has his attention she's honest with herself and him. "That won't get you out of my system."

"Running away are we?" Ramani asks from behind Andrea who breaks eye contact reluctantly with Neil.

"Going to the men's," Neil excuses, Andrea watches knowing she needs to go after him. She counts to six after he leaves the auditorium and excuses herself to the ladies. Calmly she walks to the reservations desk but the only one there is an employee of the Marriott who has her attention glued to the computer screen.

When Andrea gets back to the table Neil glances at her briefly from the conversation he's having with an officer Andrea doesn't know. He swaps seats with Ramani when the conference starts again, complaining of an aching neck from looking left to the front of the room.

* * *

"Do you need a life home?" Neil asks coming up behind Andrea as she waits for Gina to part from Jonathon Fox. 

"The Inspector…" Andrea says and it's enough for Neil to know what she means.

"I'll see you." Andrea watches once he appears from behind her and pushes through the double doors to the street.

* * *

Yawning as she floods her flat with light, Andrea can't fathom what she's done today to warrant being so exhausted. She looks into the kitchen deciding she couldn't be bothered with even a frozen meal. She kicks her shoes into the living area, yawning once again. Although it's early she decides to turn in, confidant she'll drop right off to sleep. Instead she tosses and turns, listening to the sounds of life outside as she wishes sleep upon herself. It comes out of the blue and has her drawing her knees to her chest; he might never want her back. It's the only thought that plays over in her head till she finally drops off to sleep.

* * *

"Andrea." Julian Tavell catches her on the stairs heading down from CID. "I think you must have forgotten about this." He holds out the well-known envelope that Andrea takes reluctantly from him. She stares at it, hearing the new SRO head back down the stairs. 

"Do you still have a box for the DI at the front counter?" Andrea asks running her hand over the envelope feeling the outline of the cold metal key. She'd long since forgotten about it, she estimates it's been sitting on the shelf for months, a glint of hope in a world full of doom.

"He picked it up a little while ago." Andrea's heart sinks as she thanks Julian. She peers inside the envelope as if she needs visual proof; looking back up the stairs towards CID she wants to go to him but knows she can't. The envelope flutters into the nearest bin, keeping the key pressed tightly against her palm. She can feel tears pushing, the need for privacy becomes urgent, she pushes past fellow officers', shoulder barging and nearly tangling her feet in theirs. She bursts through the door to the ladies pushing at each stall door – they're empty. Through tear blurred sight she fumbles to secure the slide lock. She cries silently with her head resting on the side wall her only words are whispered – 'I've lost him'.

"Andrea are you in here?" Steve Hunter's voice makes her jump; she quickly wipes her eyes and rubs her nose.

"This is the ladies." As if he doesn't already realise.

"I know but my eyes are closed." Andrea almost laughs.

"I'll be out in a moment." Andrea says trying to maker her voice sound as normal as possible.

At the basin she grabs a wad of hand towel, dousing it under the tap she presses them against her eyes that have become slightly blotchy and red with her tears, it makes precious little difference. No amount of soggy paper towel or adjusting her uniform will erase the sadness from her features.

"Don't say anything." Andrea uses her warning tone when she finds Steve waiting outside the loos. She meets his eyes briefly and then hurries off keeping her eyes down.

"It's about that guy you were seeing isn't it?" He hurries off after her. Andrea stops and glares, annoyed at the volume of his words, even his soft and kind tone irritates her.

"With Amber and me…" Steve begins as they walk towards custody.

"She played you like a cheap guitar; she was only ever interested in one thing." Andrea snaps and she knows she's crossed the line but can't bring herself to back down and apologise. Steve opens his mouth to protest but words don't arrive as his face contorts expressing the wounding he has just taken at her hands.

"I'm sorry." Andrea says but the words are without meaning and feeling, she walks on before Steve has a reaction.

* * *

The boxed lasagne bubbles over in the oven and burns onto the shelf below, she's not watching though – nor has she noticed she's bitten three nails down to the quick. Pain from the counter finally registers on her back prompting her undirected steps to the sofa. The TV is keeping her company and loudly, her neighbour has already banged on the wall once but Andrea can't hear the obnoxious advertisements. She doesn't feel the cool breeze that floats her curtains like an invisible hand lifting them or the siren the approaches, passes and fades. 

She remains curled on the sofa the same nail now splintered and weak from her absent-minded gnawing. Her mind analyses, it flits through thoughts almost too fast for her to keep up.

"I should never have let him go, I should have been patient." She whispers to herself.

Her head confesses the horrible truth that she's made herself into too much like hard work, fallen into the trap of demanding too much too early and he'd been pushed away.

"A man who already had an inclination to run to his wife," she continues the conversation with her consciousness.

He still loves you her heart argues but she knows without her gentle encouragement to come back he's likely to see it as too hard. Now he's seen it's possible to be without her.

Over and over she argues with herself but always coming back to the same spot she started from. The phone's in her line of sight but before she can tell herself what a bad idea calling him at home would be the smoke alarm interrupts her thoughts further piercing the silence her neighbours so enjoy. The oven is full of smoke a thin veil clings in the open spaces of her kitchen, more billows out as she opens the oven door…her lasagne is charcoal.

The piercing alarm is finally silent as the cool night breeze pushes in through the window she opens and finally her head has space for thought. But she doesn't want to dwell anymore, happy to put on her pyjamas, brush her teeth, secure the flat again and hug the spare pillow till she falls asleep.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

"PC Dunbar, Andrea!" She wishes Phil away but it doesn't work, it's late afternoon and in a couple of hours her shift will be over. She hasn't managed a smile today; she woke with a headache this morning that she's carried with her all day. The smell of smoke was still clinging to her flat and there was a not so nice note from her neighbour about the noise last night. Lance had talked non-stop about his commitment ceremony but the last thing Andrea wanted was to hear how well someone else's relationship was going.

"Hey, it's just some CCTV." Phil reacts to her less than enthusiastic look.

"If I have to hear about how happy Lance and Mark are once more I may do one of us permanent damage." Still with reluctance she takes the tapes from Phil.

"You're looking for a couple in long dark coats entering the store in the middle of the camera angle." Phil recoils quickly up to CID; he senses it's too easy to upset Andrea at the moment. Although watching hours of CCTV footage is boring, she's just glad for the peace.

When she's through the footage, Andrea pushes back in her chair and listens, it's the time when the station starts to empty – phones and faxes are silent, custody now empty except for those drying out, a light shift of officers rostered on. She stretches to remove the stiffness that has set in from sitting for hours. The door handle jerks interrupting Andrea mid-yawn; through the small rectangle of glass she can see Neil. She pulls on the door from her end eventually releasing the sticking lock. Not knowing her power, Andrea steps back with the inward swinging door.

He's wearing a dinner suit, probably the one she took off him on the train that night and she has trouble being strong when he's dressed well.

"Have you found anything?" He doesn't lean against anything a fair indicator this isn't going to be a long visit, his voice and expressions are professional but Andrea's having a hard time looking at him like anything other than the man she's loved and lost.

"A couple in black coats enter the store at ten twenty four and leave at ten thirty six getting into a car that stops out the front at ten thirty four." Andrea explains.

"Is that it?" Neil indicates to the picture frozen on the screen, Andrea nods in reply. "Can you get that up to Phil?"

He pauses and Andrea could swear there's a flicker of Neil in the look but it's quickly back to DI Manson. "He said I should be careful you looked like you were biting today."

Andrea doesn't know what to say but her eyes expose the cavernous hole inside her from his absence in her life, it'd only appeared recently.

"Is it…?" Andrea thinks she sees his lips say 'us' but there's no words.

"You're in a dinner suit." Andrea's not even sure herself what that's meant to mean. "I'll get this to Phil." Glad to not have to look at him she ejects the tape, brushing past him only to feel his hand grip her arm. Her eyes meet his, she wants to ask if she's lost him, is he giving his marriage another go, all she gets is him trying to read her, when his grip loosens she escapes hastily to CID.

* * *

Phil's staring out the window onto the front of the station; the last of the days light casts pastel coloured hues across the cityscape, interrupted by the tallest buildings. 

"Law society dinner," Phil comments absently, Andrea doesn't know if he knows whom he's talking to. Andrea's eyes fall for the first time onto Philippa dressed in a silver evening gown standing next to a matching coloured BMW.

"How the other half live." Phil comments as Neil approaches and embraces his wife, brushing a kiss across her cheek, he steps back admiring his wife's dress probably complimenting her on it, although Phil loses interest Andrea watches till they've driven out of the lot and out of sight.

"Is this what we need?" Phil holds up the tapes, Andrea's just become distracted by a new thought.

"It's ready for you to look at, tape number one, they're in and out in twelve minutes." Andrea informs him finally dragging herself from the window.

"Thank you." Phil says but Andrea's already wandering distracted out of CID.

For the rest of the night she thinks maybe it's not about him and a divorce. Her father's no one important except to his family and friends, Andrea's just a PC among thousands in London, she doesn't charge by the hour and couldn't possible provide a lifestyle Neil's become accustomed to. She wonders if this has a place in the back of his mind somewhere.

* * *

"You've seen him again haven't you?" Andrea senses Yvonne's mother hen tone but doesn't catch the context of the question immediately. 

"Huh?" Andrea says over the roof of the car before sliding into the passengers' seat.

"Mister Mystery Married Man." Yvonne says starting the engine. Andrea thinks for a moment, she hadn't thought this line of questioning would arise. "I'm familiar with the reason for that sad look on your face by now." Yvonne says as a way to prompt for more information.

"I was shopping and we ran into each other in the frozen food aisle." Andrea lies.

"Was he alone?" Yvonne negotiates the car out of the lot.

"Yes." Andrea says watching the traffic out of habit for a gap.

"So he's separated now?" Yvonne pulls quickly into the traffic.

Andrea doesn't reply immediately looking out her window, emotion is building as she thinks how Neil will never be separated, he's lost to her.

"Andrea." Yvonne prompts, it's been too long for a simple answer.

"No." There's no hiding the shakiness in her voice.

"Look at me Andrea." Yvonne says compelling Andrea to show her friend her face, stained by tiny tear tracks.

"What is it?" Alarm crosses Yvonne's face and she immediately pulls the car up safely. Instinctively Andrea bites her lip but there's nothing that can block her words.

"I want him back Yvonne." She dissolves into tears, clinging to the embrace of her friend. "I love him."

Yvonne's voice is soothing, tying to calm Andrea who's feeling better about opening up, even if it is a half-truth. She still allows her tears to flow unabated for the first time – she's tired of being strong and trying to suppress her feelings, always telling herself she shouldn't be with him, tired of guilt being her companion, most of all missing him.

"I'm sorry, I only just realised how much you love this guy."

Yvonne doesn't comment on the damp tear patch on her shoulder. "I've never seen anything or anyone mess you up this bad."

"I want him back Yvonne but I think he's seen life goes on fine without me."

"Don't be stupid if he really loves you, it might just take some time." Yvonne pulls Andrea in closer and then releases her from the embrace. "You alright?"

"I am." Andrea runs her index finger under her eyes, wiping away the last of her tears.

"You wanna go out and talk about it later?" Yvonne slides the car back into the traffic.

"The last thing you need is to host a two person pity party." Andrea smiles, "but thanks."

* * *

She stares out her car window at the imposing brick wall; the iron gate is ajar, beckoning for Andrea to push through. She's going to have to make a decision soon because the car is cooling and a woman sitting alone in a car looks suspicious. Grabbing her coat from the backseat, Andrea takes long steps crossing the street and pushes her way through the gate, closing but not locking it behind her. The garden is dark, shadows barely cast by the muted light through light curtains from the flats above. Still she can make out the chair and the tall trees that shade the garden of a day. 

It's where Neil brought her for a picnic, when he told her he came there to think. It's where Andrea rescued him and right now she needs to think, no one's coming for her, the onus is on her. The chair is damp but it's a spot that holds only positive memories for her, most of all its quiet and she knows why Neil loves it.

In her minds eye she sees him smiling, the creases in the corner of his mouth, the way his eyes smile, sometimes she swears there's a sparkle just for her. He's a gentleman, the old fashioned type that opens the door for her and knows just how a woman should be treated, he reminds her of her grandparents who were so courteous towards one another. The way he had to be invited into her flat the first time, he wanted to talk about how he felt for her first, dancing around the issue, even getting her permission to be honest, honesty that had lead to their second kiss. He'd made no secret of his married situation, there are no games to play with Neil when it comes to how he feels, she can even respect the fact he pulled back after the first time they made love, needing to be sure before they were in too deep and Andrea ended up getting hurt.

There's the way his hand slides into hers, a perfect fit, his secure clasp a physical expression of how he values her. A small touch on the arm, shoulder, leg, small of her back, whatever, serves as a reminder for both that they're still here, sometimes she thinks it became necessary for constant contact as if they needed to 'touch base' every so often. Andrea wonders if they needed a reminder every so often that the other was real. She always finds herself cradled in his arms after they've made love, as if she may disappear and become just a figment of his imagination. No matter what way he holds and touches her it's always as though she's the most precious thing in his life.

There's not an inch of her body he doesn't know and love, he'd recognise her instantly by the gentle curves of her hips, the rounding of her calves, her dark hair that waves its way across the pillow and the dimple that is her navel. He can find her lips in utter darkness with his feather light touch that makes her spine tingle. He loves every bump and imperfection she doesn't, her nose she complains of and he simply rests his next to hers, kissing her on her top lip. He's rubbed her stomach when he thought she was sick and massaged her ankle when she tripped and fell on the croquet lawn.

It puts her at ease that he accepts her for who she is, even laughing at her single woman behaviour, the frozen meals she sometimes burns, The Bill on television she watches religiously, the clothes that she wears only in the flat that would be politely declined by a charity, when she sings at the top of her voice with a love song on the radio, sometimes dancing through the flat.

He respects her as a copper and a person; from the beginning he told her he wasn't afraid of a bright woman. She loves that one of the attractions for him was her intelligence. She knows she can take anything to him and he'll respect her opinion and trusts her judgement. She's ambitious enough to want to work under him one day. She doesn't begrudge having to call him 'Sir' especially when he looks at her the way he does inside his office.

He can sense small nuances in her mood, he's in tune to when she's not herself, even when it goes unnoticed by others, a visit from Bruce always has him asking and although he says she can tell him anything, she can't tell him that. It was an under utilised aspect of their relationship by her, she knows he'd have supported her through the whole Smithy – Gabriel – MIT rape mess and he'd have relished the chance to be involved with her life even if it was to play the heavy. Than again how would he explain how he knew fine details, it would have been too obvious he was the protective partner.

Their baby would have been supported as would she and after the rough patches they'd have made a life together. He'd taken charge when she fainted to the point of being overprotective, she'd basked in it, enjoying each moment feeling loved and protected. Steve had told her how Neil had given him a dressing down after Andrea was injured in the club, he'd tried to stop her from going to the cordon on Taft Street after Kerry was shot, and he'd asked her to take it easy when they were being shadowed by SO19. She felt safer just knowing he was sitting in his office worried about her.

There'd been the expensive weekend away he'd paid for refusing to split the bill, the rebuff of Andrea buying the red dress for the same occasion and the small gifts at the markets all of which they'd never spoken of again. Although she complained in the past he'd always made cancelled dates up to her, sometimes without an appreciative attitude from her.

Of course the one thing she's forgotten is the most important one that ties all the things she misses about him together – he loves her.

The cold has crept inside her jacket and although she shivers periodically she doesn't notice. The tears that flowed while she was remembering continue till she has no more tears to cry. Only then does Andrea pull her coat closer around her and leave the garden.

She sleeps in her clothes on top of her bed that night, wishing she had something of his she could hold onto.

* * *

To be continued…In the next story. ID - 2611364 


End file.
